Thriving Through Transitions
Tips for Moms and Kiddos!
With summertime drawing to a close and the leaves offering hints of an approaching display of vibrant colors, there’s a sense of transition in the air. Ads for pumpkin ‘everything’ are in abundance, and stores have stocked up on cozy long-sleeved apparel. It can be an exciting time (especially for those who crave change - (Hi, it’s me!)) And while it can be a time of great anticipation for what’s next, some transitions can also prove to be challenging and present feelings of uncertainty or perhaps apprehension for what the future holds.
I personally went through a big transition recently with sending my firstborn off to kindergarten. And while this is a fairly notable milestone for both parent and child, it is turning out to be an even bigger adjustment than anticipated. Just like with many big changes and moving between stages of childhood development, there is definitely an adjustment period that occurs surrounding this time. And while I definitely don’t have it all figured out or feel like we’ve fully settled in to our new normal, I have learned a few things along the way that have helped us through this transition.
Whether you are bringing your baby home for the first time, introducing your toddler to their new sibling, sending your firstborn off to school, or even moving your child into the dorms at college, I think there’s a shared experience of many mixed emotions (all valid, might I add) that can sometimes feel overwhelming. As I have navigated many transitions over the years myself, I want to share a few tips and tricks that I’ve learned; in hopes that they might be helpful to you in some way as well.
Transition tips for kids:
1. Give them advanced warning of the upcoming transition - Whether it’s something exciting that they might be looking forward to, or maybe an event they are feeling nervous or hesitant about, it is important to start talking about it at least a few weeks in advance. Of course, you know your child best, so adjust that timeline according to what would work best for them. This way they won’t feel so caught off guard, and will feel more prepared when entering new territory.
2. Discuss the transition, and the changes that will take place - While at times as a parent, it can feel like our children are not listening to what we are saying; the truth is that they are processing more than we realize. They do internalize more than we give them credit for. They sometimes might not have developed the language to express that comprehension, but trust that it is often there. So it can be really helpful to them to understand ahead of time what will happen, or what is expected of them, so that they feel more empowered and confident in handling those changes when the time comes. In the case of bringing home a new sibling soon, talk to your child about all the ways they can help (toddlers especially love to feel like they are helping out)!
3. Practice, practice, practice - Going through the motions time and again, especially if they will be encountering situations that are unfamiliar to them, can go such a long way in helping them overcome the nerves associated with such big changes taking place. For example, my oldest is not the fastest at eating during mealtimes. She likes to take her time, or chat for a while during the meal. However, because of how short a timeframe she gets for lunch at school now, we’ve had to practice picking up the pace a bit (in a safe way, of course). I do this to make sure she gets enough to eat; to have the energy and focus required for a longer school day.
4. Talk through their concerns - When encountering a new situation, I think the response will be different for every child. Some may have a million questions about it, and others might shrug and say ‘okay’. But if I had to venture a guess, I would bet almost all have questions or concerns to some degree. Make sure they know from the beginning, that you are on their team! You are there to help walk them through it. One thing that can be super helpful is if you can get on their eye-level, and tell them about a time that you yourself went though a big change. Explain how it made you feel and how you handled the uncertainty. Don’t underestimate how powerful this example can be! It really does create a sense of trust and connection with your child.
5. Provide a resource of recognition or stability - This can vary widely on what exactly that thing is, but it can be comforting to your child to know that while some things are changing, not everything is. Some things will always stay the same. For example, if they are allowed, put their favorite stuffed animal in their backpack for them to touch and briefly play with, or tell them that they get to play their favorite board game with you when they get home. Something that they can look forward to, or an object that brings familiarity and comfort can be quite therapeutic in stressful or uncertain situations.
6. Allow space to process the change - change can be a huge deal for many, but especially for kids! It can often feel overwhelming to navigate change, let alone if done by themselves (like in the situation of going to school for the first time, without mom there). For instance; my daughter is quite talkative most of the time, but since school started a few weeks ago, she doesn’t usually want to talk about school right after I pick her up. As curious as I am in wanting to find out all about her day, I am trying to be more patient with this transition and realize that she might need a break for a bit. So we will sometimes talk about other unrelated things, or not talk at all on the walk home. And then when she’s ready, she will tell me more about her day.
Transition tips for moms:
Spend quality time with your child in the time leading up to the change - If you’re able to do so, this time will be so beneficial to both you and your child in the long run. Having that solid foundation within the relationship will allow for trust and a deeper understanding and appreciation for one another. This will set the stage for later on, when they want to come to you to talk through a problem or worry they have.
Adjust your expectations for how it will go - If you expect for it all to go terribly or for it to go perfectly according to plan; I can fairly confidently say, that either way; that’s not going to happen. The truth is, it will most likely be somewhere in the middle (but I have good faith to think it will likely be on the much more positive side!) Please also keep in mind, that the others involved (ex: teachers, caregivers, other adults who will be interacting with your child) are going to be very understanding of how transitions typically go. So try to find solace in the fact that everyone will be going through this transition together.
Tend to your own needs during this time - Even though your child may be the one going through the biggest transition out of anyone, it will no doubt have a big effect on your life as well. Allow yourself the space and time to process this in whatever way is necessary. Talk to another adult about your feelings regarding the change, journal your thoughts, or call up a friend and ask to get together for coffee. Gaining that support through a listening ear will prove to be rather beneficial. The tips listed above for kids can be applicable to adults also. Whatever you do, make sure that you are not ignoring your own feelings about the situation, and do what you need to do to help yourself through this transition as well.
4. Prepare solutions ahead of time - If you know yourself well enough to know that at a certain point in the day you might start to feel worry or stress; develop a plan ahead of time for what you will do when those emotions show up. You could head to your fave coffee shop and get some work done. Or maybe you have your running shoes set out by the front door, so that you’re ready to go for a quick jog at the time. Or you settle in for an episode of your favorite show on HGTV to take your mind off things for a bit. Whatever it is, having a plan in place ahead of time will help take some of the stress away when uncertainty starts to creep in. And then in turn, you will develop more confidence in handling the next time as well.
5. Try something new - Whether you now have some extra ‘free’ time, or maybe it’s now down to you and your toddler at home; try something new! Sign up for that class that has always interested you, or check out the new playground in town, or get involved in the mommy-and-me class that could be fun for your little…this is a great time to expand your horizons!
6. Give yourself grace; lots and lots of grace - As exciting as some transitions can be, there is definitely a learning curve involved as you try to adjust to new changes. Know that everyone is trying their best to manage it all. Take things as they come, and try not to get down on yourself if things don’t go smoothly right away. Like with many things, it will take time, practice, and settling into a routine before they start to really click into place. Grace, grace, and more grace, mama. You’re doing a great job, so try to be a little more gentle with yourself as well as those learning right alongside you.
I think the most important point I want to emphasize when it comes to transitioning well, is to take things one day at a time and allow everyone involved a chance to adjust in their own time. It’s going to look different for each person, and that is perfectly okay. If after a while, things are simply not clicking into place and it’s clear that struggles are not being resolved appropriately, then be sure to ask for help in some form. There are many more resources available to us than we might realize, and there is zero shame in asking for help. We cannot do this journey alone, and those such as teachers, community leaders, and pediatricians are there to help you figure this out!
As always; I’m rooting for you, mama. You’ve got this, my friend!
