7 Things I Stopped Doing in Order to Become a Happier Mom
I believe that motherhood alone has taught me more than any other experience I’ve had in life. While the process itself - of learning hard lessons and being molded along the way, is an uncomfortable one; it’s also an imperative one to go through. As I’ve gotten older, and have more years of parenthood under my belt now, I’ve discovered a few key things about myself and my identity as a mother. And striving for perfection, or trying so hard to be a certain way when I’m not, is a waste of valuable time. And so here are 7 things I’ve STOPPED doing, in order to become a happier mom:
1. Trying to be a ‘Pinterest’ mom - I’ve tried…believe me. But the truth is - I’m simply not one. While in an ideal world we’d have cute little crafts set up every day and a binder full of ideas we can pull from - I do not have the bandwidth for such a thing. I have absolute respect for those that have the patience and time and energy to put into these types of endeavors, but it’s simply too much for me to take on. Once in a while I will pull out some random art supplies we have on hand and the kids will get messy with finger paints and stamps, but it usually doesn’t last all that long anyway, and then they’re on to the next thing. Elaborate homemade birthday cakes sculpted into characters that take hours to make? Not here. A box mix in a pan with some words on top tastes the exact same to them. And they LOVE that they get to help with the mixing and the sprinkles. I no longer stress myself out trying to be a ‘Pinterest’ mom.
2. Comparing myself to other moms - While the topic of comparison itself could be a whole blog post on its own - I will simply say this: comparing yourself to others (especially to other moms) is a waste of time and an illusion that presents a false sense of reality. Seeing beautiful social media feeds filled with extravagant birthday parties, perfectly coordinated outfits for an ‘impromptu’ photo shoot, and day trips with little ones to fancy places is all well and good…but it’s not doing us any favors if we latch onto this curation and assume this is all real life. It’s just not. Comparing our ‘behind the scenes’ to their ‘highlight reel’ is so damaging to our mental health as moms. Realizing that others are choosing what they want us to see, and that it's simply a fraction of what actually goes on off camera is key to navigating this highly digital world we are immersed in. I have found such freedom in letting go of the notion that my life has to be ‘gram worthy’ all the time and that I need to present an array of activities and picturesque moments to the world in order to prove my worthiness as a mom. Some of the most joy-filled experiences I’ve had with my kids have no social media evidence. They live off-screen, and I look back and cherish those times immensely.
3. Trying to get my kids to do things they don’t want to do - Now hear me out; I’m not talking about daily tasks that need to get done, or things that are necessary for their well-being. I mean the things I think they will enjoy but then end up complaining about. It can be something as simple as coloring together at the table or even trying out a sport that I personally enjoyed growing up..but then finding out that they would rather not, and I need to respect that. Each of my kids has their own personality and desires, and when I embrace those differences and try to learn from them in this manner - the power struggles go away. Leaning into the activities that they choose for themselves (as long as it is safe for them and not negatively affecting anyone else) is beneficial for both them and us as parents. It’s truly a learning experience for all, and a way to discover the uniqueness that makes them who they are as individuals.
“there is such freedom to be found in taking a step back and letting go of those [details] that don’t actually matter in the long run.”
4. Worrying about the little things - I feel like I’m a completely different mom this time around than I was with my firstborn. (And my husband can attest to this as well). While saying I don’t ‘worry’ about things at all would be a lie - I have been working on loosening the reins quite a bit on the little things. The things that don’t matter in the big picture. From the most inconsequential ones such as letting my daughter pick out her own clothes that don’t go together in the least, to bigger things such as letting her (safely) do tricks on her scooter (since really, there’s no stopping her). The most important thing is that my kids are safe and protected, and they are able to express themselves in whatever way they most desire - as long as it is not harming themselves or anyone else while doing so. I could give many examples of this, but I want to emphasize that while it is a natural thing for a mom to worry about the little details when it comes to her kids; there is such freedom to be found in taking a step back and letting go of those that don’t actually matter in the long run.
5. Use nap/quiet time for chores - While this really does depend on the stage of parenthood one is in; now that my kids are a bit older and have a chunk of time in the afternoon each day for ‘quiet time’, I do not use this time to get chores done. While I often do have to use this time to take care of certain things such as making phone calls, showering, etc, I don’t use this time for doing dishes, meal prep or cleaning. The reasons being; I am tired and need time to just ‘be’ without doing all the things for everyone else. Motherhood is exhausting, you simply need to take a break, as well as do things that you enjoy too. Also, it’s okay to do those chores when your kids are around. It’s good for them to see what all is involved in running a household. They can even help with some of the tasks. Getting involved is a great way to teach responsibility and share in the work - everyone benefits from this!
6. Maintaining a strict schedule/routine - Now this is a tricky one, because for some, a schedule is vital to ensure the day goes smoothly and especially for some kids who may need it. However, I’ve let go of trying so hard to make sure things happen at a certain time each day. I’ve never actually done well with adhering to a strict schedule or routine anyway, because that's just not my personality. But primarily when my kids were in the infant/early toddler years, I always tried to make sure we were home by a certain time for naps, and that they ate at the same time each day so that bedtime could go smoothly, etc. And it worked for most things. However, it becomes a problem when it keeps you from going places that might interfere with nap or bedtimes, or prevents you from trying new things or meeting up with friends, and so forth. You need to be able to live your life, and kids are far more resilient and flexible than we realize! By now, I am much more relaxed about the timing of things and don’t stress as much about occasional late bedtimes, etc.
7. Ignoring my own needs - Again, I think this one is tricky because there are certain stages that make it difficult to schedule in time for yourself. However, we cannot pour from an empty cup; our. needs. matter. Taking care of our own needs will look different in the various stages, but nonetheless it’s vital that we take care of ourselves. I won’t get into all the things in this post, but there are a number of ways that you can begin to pour back into yourself to make sure you have the energy you need to pour into your kids and loved ones. For me in this stage, that means getting up 30-60 minutes before my kids do, so I have some quiet time before the chaos begins. It means prepping snacks such as protein energy bites ahead of time, so I can easily grab them for those days on the go when I don’t have as much time. It also means speaking up when I need a break on the weekends and just need time to myself.
This is, of course, a life-long learning process that is ever-evolving. But by learning what works for me vs what is no longer serving me and my family, I am able to identify the things that truly bring me joy, and in turn allow me to find happiness and less stress in this pursuit. I am realizing that the choice is mine, and mine alone. I am the one responsible for the direction I'm heading in life, and in motherhood. Releasing the expectations I have placed on myself in the past, letting go of the worries I’ve had as a young mom looking to other moms to see if I’m doing it the ‘right’ way, and leaning into my own strengths and ability to figure things out in my own way has been the most liberating practice in my journey. Trusting in my own intuition has been a game-changer as a mom. Yes, I’m going to mess up along the way; because I’m human. And that is okay. But I am trying my best, and that is what matters most. After all, my kids don’t need a perfect mom, they want a happy and present mom.
